haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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