I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
