it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
