Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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