He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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