if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
