Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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