i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
