dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
