nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
