Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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