You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
you never un-have a 4some
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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