Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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