Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
