If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
