i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
so much tequila, so little girl.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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