A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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