Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
