Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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