She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
