I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
