I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize