you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
