Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So much rum. So many feels.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
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