dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize