So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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