I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
