If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
