You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
never play flip cup with pint glasses
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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