His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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