Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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