Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
