My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
