i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
