im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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