Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
