this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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