checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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