Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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