I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I smell stomach acid.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i out mim tonsoeep
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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