New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
