there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have so many feelings about this burrito
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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