I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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