that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
