ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
