I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
