seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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