My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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