the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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