All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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