I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
