my phone needs a breathalizer
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
