I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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