I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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