Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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