in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I would ride that face into the sunset
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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