dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
