my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
