just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
