Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Houston, we have a squirter
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
