drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
