Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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