We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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